Update On Me

Yikes! It's been way too long since I updated my blog. I've been through a LOT the last two weeks and have not been all that comfortable sitting at the computer and so therefore have not been updating.

Two weeks ago I started experiencing and immense amount of abdominal pain. I wasn't sure what the cause was but the pain was so intense it was causing vomiting and other unpleasantnesses. Finally after ignoring what I thought was some sort of flu bug for 12 hours I decided it was time to go to the hospital. My main concern was for the fetus I found out I was carrying the week prior. Obviously when your body decides it does not want to hold on to fluids it is never a healthy atmosphere for a growing child.

After an MRI and an ultrasound the doctors discovered there was a large mass in my abdomen that was not supposed to be there. They decided to go in after it. They labeled the surgery "exploratory" which was greatly unnerving to me. I didn't like the idea that they were going to put me to sleep and go in to do only God knows what to my innards. But what can you do? The looming fear was something cancerous growing and obviously I would want that removed. My greatest fear was that they would end up somehow needing to remove portions of my reproductive system. And so my greatest prayer was that it would not come to that.

Two days later, post-op, I found out it had been an uncharacteristically large cyst that had ruptured in one of my ovaries. They opened up the ovary, cleaned out the mess, and sowed me back up. (I am hoping they did a better job sowing up the inside than they did on the outside. One look at my staples made me think they had brought in their kindergarten kids and were teaching them how to operate a stapler.) But alas, I am alive and well and am not missing any reproductive parts. I did however lose the pregnancy which was of course disappointing. The most disappointing portion of that being that since I did in fact have my abdomen sliced open I will need to wait for complete healing before trying to get pregnant again - 3-4 months.

But God has been with me through the entire process and has been teaching me many things through the whole ordeal. Being as I am writing a book on femininity this was an immense eye opener to me as I watched my physical femininity flash before my eyes. Bearing life is an enormous part of what it means to be physically feminine and I faced the grief associated with not being able to perform that function any longer and not being able to bring forth life in the physical realm. God has been speaking to me a lot lately about the need to continuously bring forth life in whatever realm you can operate. Spiritually I should be longing to bear fruit. Mentally I should be hungering to bring life to new thoughts. More to come on that, but I am processing many new thoughts and hopefully they too will come to life some day.