Call to Prayer

"An elderly, sympathetic priest said a saving thing, 'Your typewriter is your alter.'
'I can't go to church. I can't pray.' I said.
'Your poems are your prayers. Come on back to the typewriter,' he said." ~Anne Sexton

I love this.

I think my faith is a lot like a sine wave. It peaks and plummets. I go through highs. I go through lows. Neither really bother me. I know they are temporary. I am in a trough at the moment - the valley Anne depicts.

I can't go to church.
I can't pray.

I am thankful for the words of that priest. I realized after reading those words that I do pray. I pray often. Others will not always see it. I write notes to myself. I journal for myself alone. And I write here. I pray. I take great comfort in that thought.

More of us go through these phases than we will admit. For some reason we fear reproach. I would say we shouldn't, but that would be a lie. We should fear reproach, because it happens. People are mean, unforgiving, and ignorant. They do not know the heart, the thoughts, the internal agony that brings one to this place. If they could understand, they would know to sit in silence with the tormented instead of lend their voices to the cacophony.

I have met numerous individuals over the last few years who arrive at this place. They live in fear of others finding out where they are.

"What do you mean you're not on the mountain top of ecstasy?!"

"You missed a Sunday of church attendance?!"

"You want to take a break from leadership?"

Poor unfortunate soul. How can I heap guilt and shame on you to complicate this journey you're on?

I tend to ignore the interrogations. They are never helpful. It's a process. When I have questions of my own I will ask. When I need help working through an issue or wading through a rough patch in my faith I reach out for help. I have an excellent network for this. It just takes the initiative on my part. I'm not worried about it. I'll get there. I may work at a slower pace than someone else would be comfortable with, checking out scenery and picking daisies, but I'm moving.

One thing we forget is that the ascent is always harder and slower than the descent. Some of this just won't pray away in a day, a week, a month, or even a year. When I run downhill I can usually hit a 6:30 min per mile pace. Running back up that same hill, we're looking more at 8:30. You get the point.

I feel sorry for people who try to get through these times on their own or more so who feel that they have to in order to avoid an onslaught of guilt, shame, and persecution. I'm not that prideful. Anymore. And to be frank, I don't care what your uphill/downhill pace is. I'm running my own race. Your encouragement is appreciated though. If you feel the need, throw a prayer my way. I never turn down road support.