Understanding Your Wife's Sexual Needs

Physiological Design

As much as we would like to transcend the lines of gender with a sense of sameness in our definition of equality, the constraints of the physical realm do not allow us to do so. While we were designed to be equal that design will never absolve the differences between man and woman. And so somehow we must learn from and give to each other in light of our differences. I read a fair amount of writing on the topic of sexuality and for the most part within the Evangelical world there seems to be an overwhelming preoccupation with conveying the needs of male sexuality and sloughing off any real attempt to address the issue of woman’s sexuality and her needs. I believe most of this attitude is due to a misunderstanding that because a woman’s sex drive as defined by the production of testosterone is normally less than a man’s, that this means we have fewer sexual needs, but that is not so. Our needs are simply different. Since God created both of these needs within mankind and designed them to work as one then we need to make an attempt to do just that.

I would like to begin this explanation at a very base level to identify some of the physiological differences alone between male and female and how this impacts sexuality. The physical design of sexual intercourse in any species is for reproduction, to propagate the species. In this context alone we can see some of what separates male from female. Where the male can contribute to the reproductive process at any time, the female cannot and can only contribute once a month (for humans) within a very short window of opportunity. This alone affects our drives. While men may seem ready and willing at any and every occasion, women experience the fluctuation in hormones and extreme drive to reproduce only within this window. This does not include outside contributing factors but is based on hormonal drive alone.

Women undergo ovulation every month and at the end of the cycle, if fertilization has not occurred the body rids itself of the unused egg. This process involves an entirely different set of hormones and reactions than those involving reproduction. The hormonal state of the woman’s body at this point in time cries out in grief and a need for solitude as she pushes away from those around her and enters a stage of grief. All women experience this to varying degrees. While this does not signify a legitimate mental or emotional desire or need to bear children it is a physical reality of what the body alone is designed to do.

If upon entering the ovulation stage, fertilization does occur this creates an all new set of responses in the female body. For the first trimester (provided the fluctuations of hormones do not create too much sickness) the woman’s hormonal state is heightened at all levels. There is an increase in the woman’s sex drive at this point in time and lasts a fair amount into the second trimester. The development of the child’s gonads and which hormones are subsequently required for their maturity has an impact on the sexual drive of the woman. But for the most part, a woman’s body really starts to kick into overdrive at this point in time and begins to focus all effort (mental, emotional, and physical) into the development of the child. At this point in time you will also notice the external phenomenon known as ‘nesting’. ‘Nesting’ throws the woman into preparation mode and will refocus the drive from her hormones from husband to child.

Labor and delivery is the most physically intensive portion of the childbearing process. The female body works, and works very hard, undergoing excruciating pain sometimes to the detriment and loss of life, in order to give birth. But her labor and service to child does not end there. The physical demand on mind and body continue as the mother and infant form bonds and nurture one another. The nurturing process, mainly the breastfeeding, is highly demanding on a woman’s body and for some can completely deplete them of any desire or need for extra physical affections. Many women opt not to breastfeed their children for extensive periods of time because of the level of demand and strain it places on a woman’s body. (Each woman is different and so I am not advocating for or against that practice.) I personally experienced both extremes as I was not able to breastfeed my daughter due to special dietary needs but committed fully to breastfeed my son. And so I can speak to both extremes. In each situation breastfeeding had an impact on the sex drive. This is also evidenced by the fact that most women do not regain their reproductive cycle until at least a year into breastfeeding. So one may sufficiently deduce from this, that breastfeeding has a definite impact on the hormonal state, not to mention the sex drive of a woman.

By this time, a woman has just spent close to two years mentally, emotionally and physically focused entirely on the child and meeting his/her each and every need almost entirely with her body. The tremendous demands placed on our bodies necessitate rest. Please keep in mind that this entire time, throughout all the hormonal changes in the female body, the male body has remained unchanged as has his sex drive. Since my view of things incorporates not only the physiological aspects but also my faith, I defer to what Scripture has to say on the matter. It may say more than we realize.

What the Bible says (New Testament)

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Eph 5:28. I concur wholeheartedly with this verse but believe our understanding of it is skewed if we do not understand that the needs of a husband’s body are different from the needs of a wife’s body. So the key to practicing this verse is to know the needs of your wife’s body. If you can meet that need, then the law of cause and effect will (in theory) take care of your own need.

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to this wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am… but if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” 1 Cor. 7:3-8. As I said at the beginning of this article, the marital needs of the husband have been well articulated but the marital needs of the wife often go unexplored. This passage and in particular the first verse is often invoked with the misunderstanding that meeting the wife’s marital need means having sexual relations with her. While that may meet a level of need for her it does not meet the entirety of the design of her body.

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship.” Romans 12:1 I believe this verse to be key in its expression of the ultimate goal of the body. So what we must ask is this: “Does the use of my wife’s body allow enough space for her to come before God and present herself as a living sacrifice or do I deplete her mentally, emotionally, and physically to the point that she has no spiritual fervor to offer God?” While we do indeed have obligations to one another as husband and wife, we also have an obligation to help each other in our spiritual walk with God. Often when applying any New Testament scripture we omit the context and history wrapped up in the cultural conditions best understood by studying the Old Testament. And so I return to the Old Testament before expounding further on the New Testament.

What the Bible says (Old Testament)

“To the woman he said, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16 What we may gather and infer from this phrasing is that pain and hard work has always been part of childbearing but that the fall of man led to an increase in this pain. What we may also understand is that one of the consequences of the fall was an unhealthy desire for man whether it is to please him, pursue his affirmation or attempt to wield more power than him. And lastly we may deduce that the man’s rule over woman instead of an equal balance in the meeting of minds and needs was a consequence of our disobedience. But in spite of the curses there is evidence that God greatly cared for and loved woman and went to great lengths to make provisions for her needs mentally, emotionally and physically.

One of the first occasions we see of God’s care over woman is in the story of Abraham and Sarah. When Abraham put Sarah at risk by placing her in a situation to sin against God, her own body, Abraham, and Abimelech, God intervened to protect her from having to bear that burden. (Gen 20:1-18). In Genesis chapter 38 God comes to the aid of Tamar as she fulfilled cultural tradition in an attempt to bear children and was abused and misused sexually by the men in her husband’s family. I bring these particular stories to the front because I believe it to be a common misconception that God does not care for the sexual needs of women and allows for husbands to treat them however they see fit in order to meet their own sexual needs. There are many more stories of God’s protection and defense over women despite the cultural tradition of their subservience and less than humane treatment.

When it comes to sexual provisions for women and understanding the female body’s need for rest we may find much on the topic in the Law given to Moses for the care of God’s people. “When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening…When she is cleansed from her discharge she must count off seven days, and after that she will be ceremonially clean.” This provides an entirety of two weeks rest for the female body free of any sexual obligations or demands as the man is also unclean if he touches her during this time. In addition to this provision there are also the requirements involved with sexual secretions. “When any man has a bodily discharge, the discharge is unclean…and he will be unclean till evening.” I bring this passage up because it allows us to understand the commitment and foreknowledge involved in planning out and being conscious of each other’s time and duties before having sexual relations. (Leviticus 15)

Please keep in mind that I am not citing these laws to suggest that we need to follow them in some way, or attempt to place some sort of legalistic aura around the sexual relationship. I am citing the laws so that we may gather insight on what God designed for healthy rest and sexual relations. So far in my study of the Law and its provisions I can find no case where God did not have the best interests of the people in mind or that in our present day we have not found scientific evidence to support. God’s requirement for Sabbath rest at least one in seven days is supported by medical professionals. God’s requirement for agricultural Sabbath is supported by farmers today and our practice of crop rotation. For evidence of what happens when we do not observe the rest of the land, one may simply study the dustbowl phenomenon of the late 1800’s and early 1900’s. We over seeded the land, gave her no rest and she dried out, rose up against us and destroyed us. Sound familiar? Our intentions were good; we wanted more bang for our buck. But there were consequences to that.

Lastly, in direct support of medical advice today for the postpartum care of women, the Law suggests precisely what medical professionals suggest for the care of women and their children. “A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days…then the woman must wait thirty three days to be purified from her bleeding (twice as long for daughters).” (Leviticus 12) That is a total of 42 days (one extra day is incorporated for the eighth day of circumcision). That is six weeks, which is exactly the time frame doctors prescribe and at which point the woman is advised to undergo her postpartum checkup and is cleared for safe sexual activity. I believe the extra time constraints for daughters are to help and develop the bond between mother and daughter, which is more difficult to maintain than between mother and son. (But the Oedipus complex is an entirely different blog altogether – no married woman can deny the resiliency of the bond between mother and son which if not properly cut, can last well into adulthood whereas the bond between mother and daughter is a constant struggle throughout life).

My point in citing the various laws of the Old Testament, is that the admonitions of the New Testament were given in light of the provisions that people were accustomed to under the Law. Speaking plainly, it was simple practice to allow the female body two weeks of rest leaving the two remaining weeks available for sexual activity with her husband. While we are not 'under the law' we learn much of God's protection for His people by studying His ways. By observing some of the other laws on rest we see that there is factual scientific support for their benefit. God designed the female body to meet childbearing, nutritional, comfort, and sexual needs. But in order to meet all those needs, God also made provisions for her rest. Rest is essential to understanding and meeting a wife's sexual needs.

Cultural Handicaps

According to a recent series of articles published by Focus on the Family on Understanding the Husband’s Sexual Needs the following was stated: “No doubt, our sexually explicit culture plays into the prominence of sex on a man's mind. He can't open the newspaper, turn on the television, surf the Net, or walk into a mall without being reminded of sexual desire.” While this is a reality of our culture it is an assault to both male and female sexuality. I am sure we have all been exposed at one time or another to the schoolyard bully mentality where an individual transfers inappropriately, his struggles from work or home onto other individuals outside of his immediate circle of influence. While we understand his behavior and are sympathetic to his plight we also understand that his venue of venting is unhealthy and a violation of others’ boundaries. The same can be said of bringing outside sexual stimulation home, presenting it as a legitimate need meant to be met by the wife. It was not the wife’s flesh that created the stimulation therefore it is an unrealistic expectation that her body should meet the need.

While women cannot always discern the nature of stimulation beforehand we are innately acute at discerning the abuse of our bodies after the fact. The misappropriation of sexual stimulation will eventually generate resentment in a woman as her body is overtaxed by demands she is not hormonally capable of matching or meeting. We can meet the sexual need but we cannot match the enthusiasm desired of us often resulting in the “cold fish” syndrome. Too often this occurs within the Church accompanied by an invocation of Scripture pertaining to the wife meeting the husband’s sexual needs. But I propose this is a direct violation of God’s command to husband and wife to become and function as one flesh. So the question presents itself of how to go about creating a hormonal atmosphere conducive to meeting the male sex drive.

Mental, Emotional, and Physical Ties

While many biblical scholars agree that the cultural traditions of the first century had incredible impact on certain admonitions for husbands taking responsibility for the wife’s education, in our day and age we are educated outside of the home and men and women have access to the same levels of education. While I see this as a positive exemplification of equality it may remove a sense of need to “match minds” in the marital relationship and to mentally guide and sharpen one another. The impact this has on a woman’s sexuality is monumental as for many women gaining satisfaction during sexual intercourse is a battle won or lost on the mental level. It is quite the opposite for men, where his mental capacity is often won or lost at the sexual level.

The emotional realm is a much dreaded topic for men but let me appease your anxiety by saying that women do not expect men to match their emotions; women expect men to meet their emotions. Meeting the emotions is not an overwhelming task if men are firstly meeting a woman’s mind. Win her mind, and he will inevitably win her emotions or at the very least have a level of insight into her emotions. Once the emotions are tapped into we arrive at the physical responses felt by a woman.

Since the physical response of a woman is the primary complaint made by most men then this is the ultimate goal being pursued. A recent article in Parenting Magazine on The Power of Love explained the following in relation to the mother/child bond and the need to frequently kiss your baby: “Pathogens on a baby’s skin are carried from the mother’s lips into her system, and she produces made-to-order antibodies that boost his (the child’s) immunity.” The catch is, women do not produce the antibodies immediately but over the course of a few days our bodies have the correct formula created. I see no reason why the same could not be said of a woman’s body producing a hormonal response to the needs of her husband over time. Since one of the chief demands by men is that women take some sexual initiative then they must wait for our hormones to catch up with their physical need. Kiss your wives, hold your wives, provide the skin to skin contact that wives need to produce the physiological response over time without the immediate demand for sexual gratification and she will (in theory) be able to take the initiative the husband desires. Unfortunately our cultural placation to immediate gratification darkens the need to cultivate the sexual relationship in patience. But perhaps God’s design of our bodies was meant to teach us far more about life’s principles than we give Him credit for. After all, I cannot find or cite a single biblical principle that hinges on the practice of immediate gratification.

The Military Wife

Since being a military wife is a reality I am familiar with after being married to an active duty member for ten years, and also a present reality for many of the women I have had the privilege of networking with, I feel the need to address briefly the difference in her needs. Military wives are faced with the very real experience of long term separation during deployments. We count on the husband’s ability to refrain from sexual activity while apart from us. Sometimes these separations can last for years. When we are presented with articles and teachings portraying the physical needs of our husbands that must be met and cannot be foregone for any extensive period of time, we cringe and scoff. Our marital security depends on the strength, self-control, and integrity of his character while we are apart and his ability to deny those physical needs. For many men and women, the most effective means of exercising self control in one’s sexuality while separated is a mental, conscious severance of the sexual desires. Since we are not light switches that can turn on and off, this is a discipline that we develop over time and also takes time to recover from afterwards.

There are struggles associated with reinstating the sexual relationship upon a soldiers’ homecoming. War and separation change men and women. It is unrealistic to think that a husband and wife have not undergone changes while apart and will not need time to realign on both a mental and emotional level before being able to truly connect at the physical level. But there are also biblical provisions for this. “All of you who have killed anyone or touched anyone who was killed must stay outside the camp seven days. On the third and seventh days you must purify yourselves and your captives.” (Numbers 31:19) In essence, war has no place in the home and time is needed to wind down from the rigors of combat. Unfortunately, due to the media and levels of violence in our entertainment, this degree of separation between home life and war is worn thin in our society and often the brutal and aggressive tendencies are brought into the home as well as to the marriage bed. Fortunately the military is now taking more action in helping to prevent the aggressive carryover from war and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) through periods of recovery before soldiers are sent home (yet another proof that God knows best when it comes to the mental, emotional and physical stability of His people).

Spiritual Lessons Derived from Female Sexuality

While women do indeed desire to meet their husband’s sexual needs it is impossible for us to meet them on his time table and on the basis of immediate gratification without jeopardizing our identity and femininity. Since this is the way God designed us then we must ask ourselves what we are to learn from this. In my role as a wife, I learn elements of kindness, goodness, gentleness, peace and love by meeting the needs of my husband even when I may not feel like it. In return, a husband can learn elements of patience, joy, self-control, and meekness through meeting his wife’s needs when he may not want to. Together we learn essential aspects of sacrifice and rest. We really do help each other to develop Christ-like virtues through our sexuality and its expression as God designed us.

Meeting of the Minds (Needs)

A woman’s body is created and designed to be able to meet the sexual needs of her husband in proportion to the amount of rest her body is allowed. Try sitting down with your wife and discussing what she needs for rest and what qualifies as rest for her. It may be something as small as sending her to the spa on occasion, giving her a massage, taking the kids out of the home for a day, helping with some random chores or something as big as taking a full blown vacation. Don’t take anything for granted. I used to assume that Sunday qualified as my day of rest until I realized that Sundays were anything but restful in an effort to get everyone ready and out the door for Church and preparing for school on Mondays. While I still enjoy the fellowship of Church on Sundays, my personal Sabbath is Saturday when I have no immediate obligations to meet and can truly just relax.

If your wife is not getting a day of rest each week where she is truly resting, then reorganize your schedules so that you are both getting a full day to yourselves. Talk often as needs change over time. While routine is good, it can be a marital killer when needs change and our schedules are not adjusted to reflect those changes.

Balancing the Sexual Desires

Jesus sums up all God’s commandments in this one statement, “Love God, and love others.” If we focus our efforts on our spouse and his or her needs instead of focusing on our own, we will find the true fulfillment Scripture promises when we live our lives based on God’s principles. I think the greatest breakdown in the area of sexuality happens when we assume that our partner’s needs should mirror our own. They never will.

This has been an incredibly difficult article for me to write and I truly wanted to give up at several points while writing. I do not know entirely why I felt so driven to pen this, but I hope it somehow provides insight for men into the intricacy that is their wife and a level of comfort to wives in that whatever your struggles may be, you are not alone. Keep in mind that I am only one woman amongst billions and therefore my insights and experience can never encompass the many diverse needs of all women.