Nothing To See Here!

My partner said I unnerve people. Apparently not talking when you have nothing important to say around here is a bad thing. Everyone is accustomed to people rambling on about nothing simply for the love of hearing themselves talk. It happens at every meeting I attend. People take an hour to say what should really only take a few minutes tops.

I pointed out the benefits of opining briefly and sporadically. People are so shocked to hear you talk they actually listen to what you have to say. But on the down side that creates an increasing pressure to think you must come up with something brilliant before saying anything. Sometimes people just want to know who you are and what you're about. What makes you human? What makes you like them? What common ground do you have?

This is an intermittent blog to talk about nothing important. I'm learning a new discipline here people! Nothing important happened today. Lots of talk of dirty business and politics. I'm renaming Las Vegas "Dirty DC of the West." I know. It's horrible. But it's true. I spent enough years in DC to recognize cutthroat tactics and corruption. It created just enough paranoia to keep me on my toes. Nobody in this town gets anywhere if they don't know someone or have their hands in someone's pocket or around their throats. Everybody talks. Talk here is crazy. In fact, talking is all they do. I have yet to see anyone follow through and do something they actually say they're going to do. Ok, that's not true. There are a select few who do what they say they're going to do and don't just sit around drinking scotch, smoking cigars and stroking egos. Those people usually end up being my friends and business partners.

Enough about nothing on Las Vegas.

I love the desert. Always have. As long as I'm within driving distance of an oasis that is. Not sure where I developed my affinity for the heat. I assume it had something to do with having a dry sauna growing up. I love the heat. It wasn't really hot in Sao Paulo growing up. But I remember enjoying the poolside naps on the hot concrete. Of course that concrete didn't fry eggs like it does here. I can't even run outside here in the summer. Not because of the heat coming down, but because of the heat radiating up off the ground. My whole body feels like it's melting into the pavement. So I swim more. Lots and lots of swimming. I still run, but only on the treadmill. As soon as the afternoon temps drop below 90F I'll take it outside again. But aside from not being able to run in it, I love the heat. I like the hot nights too. I don't actually live IN Las Vegas. I live 20 miles southeast of Las Vegas so I can't see or hear the city. It is quiet and peaceful. If I wasn't terrified of scorpions, tarantulas, and vinegaroons I'd probably sleep outside every night.

We've got a mountain sheep problem though. They think they own the place. Apparently they do, because it's a huge offense if you actually hit one. And for some reason they're also a tourist attraction. People stop and stare at them for hours. I wonder what goes through sheep brains while we're standing around snapping pictures of them. I'll tell you what goes through their heads - a whole lot of nothing! Like this blog. I apologize if you came here expecting something of substance. Not this time, my friends. This time it's a whole lot of nothing.

Well, not entirely nothing. I am, in fact, working on relieving some of the pressure I feel to always say something important. So consider this my exercise of the week.

Move along.

Nothing to see here.

Messing with the Status Quo

"I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath. Scared to rock the boat and make a mess. So I sat quietly, agreed politely. I guess that I forgot I had a choice. I let you push me past the breaking point. I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything." ~ Katy Perry

I did. I just quoted Katy Perry. Mark your calendars, because it's not likely to happen very often. But it was awfully coincidental that this song came on the radio right after I read an article on the gullibility of Eve. The presented idea was that women are more gullible than men, therefore, incapable of leadership. Dear Katy Perry reminded me from where gullibility originates. I told a co-worker a few months ago that he lacked convictions. He believed in nothing and had no anchor to which to tether. As a result, he believed everything others told him and followed them blindly. It was unfortunate since they were feeding him lie-drenched promises of status and wealth. Gullibility is a result of a lack of convictions. 

There is nothing innate in the makeup of a woman that makes her gullible. Gullibility is a result of ignorance, deception, oppression, and weakness. Gullibility is a result of cultural conditioning by a fallen world. Society has traditionally told women that they are uneducated, subservient, incapable, and weak. In this sense, we have been gullible. We believed it. We lacked convictions. I allowed a person to tell me for years that I was stupid. And I believed it to the point that it became the dominant voice in my head. When I wanted to write, the voice prevented me - you are stupid. When I wanted to go back to school the voice spoke up again - you are stupid. When I would try to discern ministry, vocation, calling, and direction the voice was there - you are stupid. I was gullible. I believed a lie. 

I have read comments and articles about single parents as a drain and burden on society. Many believe that. It is the status quo. I mess with the status quo. I am not a drain on society; I am a contribution. I work. I dream. I create. I serve my God, my family, and my country. I invest. I give. I love. And I tell other individuals that they are capable of the same. The status quo gets blamed for a lot of our failures. When I hear people minimize sin as a result of the status quo I cringe. "All men struggle with this or that" or "All women do this or are incapable of that." To this or that, I wave the BS flag. That's the greatest deception of all and you have been tricked. You are living under the shadow of a curse from which you have been redeemed. 

Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 11:2-4 to the audience of the entire church, men and women. ALL are potentially gullible. Historically, this has been women's area of gullibility: we believe we should not lead, we should not speak, we should not preach, teach, or exercise authority because that is what we have been told. And guess what? We fell for it. We have been deceived. Paul again addresses foolish gullibility in his opening of Galatians 3. I'm not even going to verse 28 (jew/greek, slave/free, male/female) if that's what you thought. The power is in verse 13. Verse 28 is just a result of embracing the truth in verse 13. "Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us - for it is written, "Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree." So much rhetoric circulates on the burden of the curse as reasoning for women's disposition. But it's just not true. Verse 28 only becomes reality when you acknowledge the veracity of verse 13. Christ became the curse of the fall for us. He bore the thorns and thistles of a fallen world on his head, the stripes of pain and torment, the nails of oppression. To say that we still live under the burden of the curse is to negate the work of Christ on the cross. You reject Christ and the freedom He brings. You are, in your own gullibility, unredeemed. What a magnificent lie! If only Satan could convince God's people that there were shades of gray in the redemption of Christ to which we are still held in bondage. If only the enemy could convince half the world they were incapable of standing up to him and exercising their voices and dominion over the earth. Wouldn't that be a fantastic ploy?

I hear my fair share of opinions on women in the workplace and its negative impact on the home and I think this is a correlation that does not imply causation. The negative impact on the home is a result of any parent that is absent, mother or father. The breakdown of society began when fathers left the home. The only thing holding it together after that was the fact that mothers stuck around and picked up the slack. So yes, our family infrastructure does ultimately break down when we are pulled more and more out of the home, but only because no one is left - fathers already deuced out. Women are survivors. They are thrivers. Cultures rise and fall on the backs of caretakers, be they male or female. I come from a long line of strong single mothers. I had both my parents, but their mothers and generations before were victims of abandonment. The home does not fall apart because mothers work. The home falls apart because either fathers or mothers neglect the balance and responsibilities of work and home. It is not relevant who goes to work or even if both go to work as long as they are both equally present (emotionally, mentally, and physically) in the home. No one is neglecting their parental responsibilities by working; they are, in fact, fulfilling them. It is important that I instill a good work ethic in my children. It is important that they see me enjoying my work, providing for their needs, and having fun with them. I admit I'm carrying a lot of slack right now. I always have. I understand all too well the value of a helper. But from my perspective I am not the helper. I need help. Families are a lot of work and everyone needs helpers. We are designed for community. And while the family is the most basic unit of community, other methods of community are available and we never need be "alone." I have friends and family who help me out. I have a church and a healthy workplace. I surround myself with people who invest in me and I, in turn, invest in them. They are my helpers and we make it work. 

What is the status quo really? The status quo is the existing state of affairs. The status quo is the idea that we live in a fallen world and must simply put up with and accept the consequences of sin. The status quo is devoid of hope and vision. The status quo never changes. History only ever repeats itself until someone does something different, something drastic, something revolutionary. We commit the same fallacies, worship the same idols, fight the same wars, believe the same lies. It is not until gods become servants and lay down their lives, life conquers death, the powerful humble themselves, and the last become first that a new present exists, a new history, a new future, a new creation. I am not about the status quo. I am all about messing with the status quo.  

I will not live as a victim. I am not gullible, ignorant, or deceived. Bad things have happened in my life. I have felt pain and suffering. I have felt like giving up. But you work through it, you survive, and you thrive. The greatest lie I could believe is that I am at a disadvantage or there is something wrong with me because I am a working mother, a warrior, aggressive, assertive, courageous, the spiritual head of my home, an initiator. There isn't. I did not arrive at these roles by default; they simply are who I am. I am a strong intelligent woman with two insanely gifted children and lots of helpers. I am a leader. I am a speaker, a writer, a teacher, a preacher. I am an encourager, a nurturer, a comforter. I am giddy, goofy, adventurous, and funny - and dang it people like me! I may not be painting elephant toes anytime soon or swinging through the jungle from a vine, but I will be louder than a lion. Why? Because I'm rebellious? Obstinate? Gullible? No. Because I am not easily dissuaded or deceived. I do not live in the shadow of the curse. I am redeemed. I have convictions. I fight for what I believe. I am a champion. And you're going to hear me roar.

Seduced By The Sea

"The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore." Vincent Van Gogh

Life has been a bit hectic over the last few months. I have been busy working with a friend to get a business we started 3 1/2 years ago off the ground. We founded the company with the hopes of eventually getting around to fully investing in it. At the time (2011) I was in grad school and he was still in the military. Then in April we found ourselves looking for new jobs and figured it was time to take off. What do we do? Unmanned and robotic technology. Portions of our business development involve underwater technology requiring that we form a scientific diving program. I have been working on several diving certifications for our program. The only regret I have is that I wish I had done it sooner. Diving is crazy fun! But then again I have always had an affinity for diving deep into things, whether it was ministry, career, culture, relationships, theology, or recreation. I love immersing in environments and fully experiencing what they offer in life - beauty, security, diversity, play, etc. I have always loved the sea. Until the age of 13 I shared a room with my little sister, but when I finally had my own room I decorated it entirely in a nautical theme. Ships, chests, knots, pressure gauges, sailor busts, and ocean paintings - I had it all. 16 years ago I started reading Clive Cussler books for fun and have escaped into the literary depths of underwater treasure hunting from time to time. I am not able to pass a shelf displaying his latest and greatest adventure without snatching it off the rack for purchase. And now I am living out the fantasy. But if you know me, you also know that I rarely do anything without scouring for relevant tidbits of knowledge and wisdom. Diving has brought to life several insights that I find are applicable across a wide variety of disciplines. 

1. Breathe continuously and never hold your breath. 

This sounds like an obvious point, but you would be surprised how easy it is to stop breathing underwater. Why? Instinct. We are conditioned from birth to associate being underwater with holding one's breath. It is natural. What is not natural is breathing underwater. Holding your breath creates several problems not the least of which is it starves the brain of oxygen and can lead to increased instances of panic, anxiety and irrational thinking. It took a lot of discipline for me to force myself to breathe continuously. I found myself holding my breath when I panicked, finally succumbing to gasps when need overcame fear. Eventually I learned to breathe continuously, but it took a great deal of discipline and focus. It is easy to be overwhelmed by environment (currents, pressures, tasks, distractions, scenery). Everything can be handled cooly and collectively if you remember one thing: breathe continuously. I have always likened breathing to prayer. A friend of mine pointed out once that the sounds of deep inhalation and exhalation reminded him of the name of God. Yah-weh. I found it to be a beautiful practice and made it part of my prayer life. The deeper the need for prayer, the greater and more audible the gasps for Him. Yet, if I remember to seek Him out, praying continuously, it is surprising how much less I worry and panic over things and the fewer instances where I find myself gasping for His help and presence. He is always there - I just forget.

2. Never dive alone.

Another obvious observation and also easy to ignore. Always have a buddy. Never, ever, dive alone. The odds of two of us making the same mistake are slim to none. Will we both make mistakes? Sure. However, you decrease the odds of mishaps when you have a buddy. Having a constant eye on your buddy helps to keep you oriented. In minimal visibility and increased pressure combined with neutral buoyancy, knowing which way is up can be difficult. Being able to reach out and touch someone for orientation is reassuring. On my second dive I descended too quick without equalizing. By the time I reached the bottom my head was pounding and my brain was foggy. It had been a windy week down on the lake and visibility was close to 5 feet. Not very reassuring at all. I could not see a thing. I grabbed my buddy's hand and would not let go. We started to swim, but it felt more like spinning. I felt like a one-eyed fish going in circles. A few minutes later nausea hit and signaled to surface. My buddy swam up with me and we took a surface break only to find out I'd burst some capillaries and was bleeding pretty bad. The nausea was from swallowing blood. Lovely. I took a two week break, went to visit my sister in Germany for a week and another week poking around the southern Colorado mountains. Since I rarely start anything I do not finish, I dove right back into the water when I returned. This time I knew better. I warned my diving buddy that I would be taking my sweet time on descent and I did. He stuck by my side the entire time. And that's what you do. You stick with your buddy. I noticed on this dive that one of the other divers was having a problem and being a reassuring presence suddenly became my task. Having to focus on the other diver prevented me from becoming self-absorbed in my own circumstances and forced me to help another. The application is that surrounding yourself with community minimizes fear, provides reassurance, and prevents self-centeredness. It's not all about me.

3. Vision distortion at depth.

Your eyes are the most sensitive organ to pressure changes. It is difficult to notice at the time due to the lack of pain/discomfort associated signals like that of the sinuses. The scenery loses its vividness, colors distort, and everything grows drab. Colorless and indistinct, the landscape can quickly disorient a diver. It all looks the same. Underwater photographers are particularly frustrated by this phenomenon as it makes it very difficult to see anything of note or photo worthy. The tendency then is to avoid taking pictures. But what you later learn is that all the colors are still there. My instructor showed me a color chart at depth. I recall looking at it and thinking to myself, "Ok, what's with all the brown blocks? What is he trying to tell me?" (No talking underwater - communication gets murky.) I shrugged it off. 40 ft. later he whipped out a bright color chart and I thought, "What's with all the charts?" (It was the same chart.) I found several applications for this experience. The first being that any dive to depth has the potential to distort your vision. You cannot tell your vision is distorted in the midst of it. It is only afterwards when you look back on the captured images that you truly recognize what you were going through. This is one of the reasons I write more when I am depressed. It helps me to stay oriented. Later on I am able to look back on the experience and realize that circumstances were not as dull as I recalled. One of the first questions counselors ask when you are struggling with depression is whether or not you have decreased interest in normal activities. Why? Because everything grows dim. Life pressures increase. You feel like you are drowning and nothing seems to have meaning or purpose anymore. How do you survive? You have to remember that the colors are still there. And so you take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. You capture what is drab and dark and when you bring it to the surface you discover the most amazing and beautiful images imaginable. 

4. "Narcing out" 

"Narcing out" refers to nitrogen (or any gas) narcosis. It happens when you dive below 100 feet, although each diver's threshold is different. It feels very euphoric, but is extremely dangerous. Narcosis is the "rapture of the deep." Reactions to narcosis are varied. Some divers become relaxed and happy and fail to respond appropriately to present reality. Other divers can stress unduly over unrealistic threats and react impulsively. Most underwater training involves at least one dive that intentionally analyzes the effects of narcosis on an individual diver so that they are aware of how they react to the altered state of mind. I already warned my instructor of what I think my response will probably be. He better be a fast swimmer because I am a runner. I do not mean a runner in the sense of "I like to run." I am a runner in the sense that "I flee dangerous situations." If, in an altered state of mind, I perceive danger, I will run. The "happy" divers, however, will gladly cop a squat or lay down on the ocean floor and refuse to move or ascend. Each response is equally as dangerous and can result in death. The fact that I am aware of my tendency to run often prevents me from running. When I encounter threats or dangers in life I do not immediately seek escape. But that is a result of careful planning. I always plan my escape well in advance. Not much creates insurmountable panic for me anymore because I always have an exit plan. Maybe that's a result of my IT training. My mind tends to work out "if - then" scenarios frequently. Narcosis has some applications in other areas as well. Whenever I dive into an area, there is a real danger of going too deep, experiencing the euphoria and not surfacing. I find this happens a fair amount in theology. The greatest upset for me is the disconnect between theology and applicability. Theologians dive into the depths of Scripture and "narc out" on their findings and never surface to see how it plays out in the real world. This is not just about theology, but applies to any discipline that exists only in ideation. There is nothing wrong with dreaming, experiencing the highs of spiritual depths, or envisioning life the way you would like it to be. There is everything wrong with never acting on and applying those ideas to your life. I have met many individuals who dream in their heads, but never act in the interests of actualizing those dreams. That is not how we as humans are designed to function. We are designed to think, feel, and act. Too many people go through life "narced out" and never realize the full potential of their dreams. Others go through life incapable of envisioning a better future. If your 5-year plan today is the same as your plan 5 years ago, it may be time for a change. Either the ideal must change or actions much change; limbo is not an option. This handicap plagues the Church greatly. We live in ideals of "one day...," but we fail to take action to make that one day today. We live in the limbo of "He's coming back so let's just inactively ride it out." Or we take up whatever random activist cause fits our fancy without holding it up to the light of our future vision. I do not want either. I want to dive to great depths, actualize my dreams, and live life to the fullest. Making your dreams happen is a discipline and one I hope to cultivate more. 

5. Exhalation and "puffing up."

I saved this point for last although it could easily be worked into breathing continuously. One of my dives incorporated a CESA (Controlled Emergency Swimming Ascent). The trick to a well-executed CESA is exhalation. Air expands as it rises. When you ascend in the water the air in your lungs expands and if you are ascending quickly with air-filled lungs they can burst. Ascent changes should be gradual, but if necessary, a CESA prevents "puffing up." It reminded me of "puffed up" christianity and arrogance. "Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." (1 Cor 8:1 see context). We're all in danger of it. Especially when we do not acclimate properly to our surroundings or take into account the differences in cultures and individuals. We impose our "superiority" on others and desire a quick ascent to recognition. We ignore the wisdom of gradual ascent and most importantly - exhalation. I have seen too many ascend too quickly and it never goes well. They "puff up" and burst, scattering fragments and debris, wreaking havoc in their wake. Exhalation is a sign of release. Of expression. We exhale when we are singing, speaking, exercising, or playing an instrument. If you are intent on ascent, yet fail to take the time to exhale, you will cause irreparable damage. Exhalation is surrender. You surrender your panic, your fears, your pride.

There is so much more to add. This is enough for now. Even if you never dive, I hope you can at least apply some of the insights to your present life. As for me, I have fallen for the sea and all she has to offer. I will be heading to Honduras this next month for a research diving trip. Yeah, I know. Life's rough. Roatan, here I come!

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I have not forgotten you. I know you may think I have, but I have not. Life just got real busy, survival instincts kicked in and I have been inordinately consumed helping a business start up attain success. I will be with you shortly. I promise. I have so much to tell you. And as evidence that I did not forget you - I have about 20 blog ideas stored on my phone where I keep my sporadic musings. Plus, if I was ever in danger of forgetting you, my friends would not let me. So just know that you have some advocates out there. I miss you.

Love,
Me