House of Mirrors

"The mountains and hills may crumble, but my love for you will never end." Isaiah 54:10

I read this verse tonight. I found it to be well timed. I think it is easy to forget why one has faith. We are bombarded day in and day out with logical reasons we do not necessarily need faith or God. There is an explanation for everything. And while those explanations do not negate the existence of God, they can at times diminish our dependence or need of God.

Love always reminds me of the reason why I so desperately need my faith in Him. It is the one area for me that is completely irrational, illogical, and unscientific. It begins. It thrives. It tapers. It dies. For a being to exist that can make an absolute statement such as everlasting love? Well, I need that being in my life. I need faith in that. I need to know what that looks like. What that feels like. But it isn't just for me. I need to know these things not just as a recipient. I need to know so I can be a giver as well.

One thing I have realized over time is that brokenness begets brokenness. We have all been hurt at one time or another. We have all been neglected, ignored, mistreated, abused, forsaken, and abandoned. If we know nothing else then this is all we are capable of mimicking in return. Even in light of lofty ideals we are incapable of actualizing those ideals without some sort of practical application or demonstration. The only way we are capable of expressing love is because we have been loved.

Were I to love others in only the fashion in which I have been loved by those that have crossed my path in life, I'd be a pretty shoddy lover. That isn't to say that I have not been loved. But it is to say that none of us are capable of loving perfectly. The end result is that we are always going to hurt others both purposefully and accidentally. It will happen. It is extremely distasteful when people fail to realize or admit they are broken and that in their brokenness they inevitably hurt others. I don't know how others function, but I can't work with that. However, to hear an admission of imperfection... Aha! That I can work with.

There is a tremendous amount of weight that lifts from my chest when I remove the burden of endless love from those around me and let it rest on the shoulders of the only being capable of such infinite expression. There is freedom to give without the unrealistic expectation of perfect reciprocity. I am no longer attempting to mirror someone else's love; I am channeling a source of infinite love. Of course that does not mean I am capable of demonstrating perfect love. Because, guess what? I'm broken too. And while I am unable to love perfectly, I can at least do more than join the house of chaotic mirrors that perpetually distorts reality.

If all we ever do is mirror love, the world would be a dark and desolate place. And some days really are faint and lonely. Even in the presence of many who love, it can seem like a barren wilderness. Yet for me, the knowledge of the existence of perfect love by a perfect being makes that wilderness bearable.  The more we learn to redirect our expectations from the imperfect to the perfect the better we become at caring for one another.  We cease to mirror the brokenness - our own and that of others - and become vessels and conduits of something greater than ourselves. Something infinite. Something perfect. Now that's a lofty ideal. Perhaps irrational, illogical, definitely unscientific. But it's mine. And I love it.

Call to Prayer

"An elderly, sympathetic priest said a saving thing, 'Your typewriter is your alter.'
'I can't go to church. I can't pray.' I said.
'Your poems are your prayers. Come on back to the typewriter,' he said." ~Anne Sexton

I love this.

I think my faith is a lot like a sine wave. It peaks and plummets. I go through highs. I go through lows. Neither really bother me. I know they are temporary. I am in a trough at the moment - the valley Anne depicts.

I can't go to church.
I can't pray.

I am thankful for the words of that priest. I realized after reading those words that I do pray. I pray often. Others will not always see it. I write notes to myself. I journal for myself alone. And I write here. I pray. I take great comfort in that thought.

More of us go through these phases than we will admit. For some reason we fear reproach. I would say we shouldn't, but that would be a lie. We should fear reproach, because it happens. People are mean, unforgiving, and ignorant. They do not know the heart, the thoughts, the internal agony that brings one to this place. If they could understand, they would know to sit in silence with the tormented instead of lend their voices to the cacophony.

I have met numerous individuals over the last few years who arrive at this place. They live in fear of others finding out where they are.

"What do you mean you're not on the mountain top of ecstasy?!"

"You missed a Sunday of church attendance?!"

"You want to take a break from leadership?"

Poor unfortunate soul. How can I heap guilt and shame on you to complicate this journey you're on?

I tend to ignore the interrogations. They are never helpful. It's a process. When I have questions of my own I will ask. When I need help working through an issue or wading through a rough patch in my faith I reach out for help. I have an excellent network for this. It just takes the initiative on my part. I'm not worried about it. I'll get there. I may work at a slower pace than someone else would be comfortable with, checking out scenery and picking daisies, but I'm moving.

One thing we forget is that the ascent is always harder and slower than the descent. Some of this just won't pray away in a day, a week, a month, or even a year. When I run downhill I can usually hit a 6:30 min per mile pace. Running back up that same hill, we're looking more at 8:30. You get the point.

I feel sorry for people who try to get through these times on their own or more so who feel that they have to in order to avoid an onslaught of guilt, shame, and persecution. I'm not that prideful. Anymore. And to be frank, I don't care what your uphill/downhill pace is. I'm running my own race. Your encouragement is appreciated though. If you feel the need, throw a prayer my way. I never turn down road support.

Putting Lipstick on the Pig

I had someone ask me awhile ago to write a blog on marriage. I have no idea why. I hardly consider myself an authority on the topic. Unless a subject matter expert entails having a history of failure. Oh wait. It does. Excellent. I'm an expert.

Today an engaged friend questioned whether or not she should even get married. She couldn't understand why one would bother. Then she thought she was getting cold feet. I explained to her that she was not getting cold feet and that maybe the reason we so frequently question the appropriateness of the institution is because something inside of us senses there is something innately wrong with it. Now before you think I'm heading in a marriage bashing direction, I assure you, I am not. I merely want to inquire into the nature of what exactly we think marriage is or is not. And of course, you're going to get a piece of my mind, which is never really set in stone; it's just where I happen to be in my thought process at that particular moment.

So let's start with what we know marriage is. Marriage is a covenant between two parties. Correct! Next question: what is a covenant? A covenant is a legal agreement between two or more parties. Nice! So far so good. We're well on our way. Moving on. Historically covenants were typically treaties between parties to protect against war and division. Biblically, covenants were both the treaties between people groups and the added agreements between God and humans. What covenants do we find in the Bible? Adamic, Noahic, Abrahamic, Palestinian, Mosaic, Davidic, and New. Interesting fact about these covenants. They all have one thing in common - sin. They are all a means to survive and live in a fallen and sinful world. Covenants are a means to protect and guard people from being wronged, hurt or abused. They exist because we are fallen. What does this mean for marriage? Marriage exists because we are fallen. It is a legal agreement between parties that serves as a protection from the abuses of each other. It doesn't protect you from anything external to your relationship. It's not some sort of mystical guardrail to all that is wrong about sexuality. As such, the covenant itself is not threatened by anything external to the relationship. The only thing that can threaten your marriage is YOU. That is all you have power over. Nothing else. No one else.

Marriage exists because we sin against each other. We hurt, abuse, neglect, and dominate one another.  In light of this continual sinning against our fellow humans we needed the institution of a covenant. Enter marriage stage right. Exit edenic freedom and the fullness of relationship.

OMG. What just happened?

I deconstructed marriage. You're welcome. Now let's reconstruct. Trust me. It'll be fine. I've been doing this since I was kid - taking apart toys and putting them back together. If it doesn't work then it was a poorly constructed toy to begin with and our toy box will be better off without it. Certainly safer.

Let's look at what we have now. Marriage is a covenant instituted to protect humans from one another because we're a sinful lot and we needed a system set in place to keep us from killing each other. Yeah. Pretty much. Is that a leap? Nope. How do I know? Because it won't exist in eternity. Just like every other covenant instilled throughout biblical history, marriage goes bye bye. Why? Because we won't have sexual relationships anymore? Doubt that's it. The human capacity for sexuality precedes any fallen state as does the divine directive to be fruitful, multiply, and replenish the earth.

OMG! Sex in heaven? What just happened again?! Just kidding. That's not what I said. I'm merely pointing out that, as humans, we have the capacity for reproduction and sexuality. I'm not even going to get into the "like the angels" bit, because scripturally that just supports my point further.

Anyway, moving on. Marriage did not exist as an institution until after the fall and not even in the form of a covenant until the Mosaic covenant. Before that it was just a legal agreement to define the parameters of one's property. If that doesn't reek of fallenness I don't know what does. Property?! It's only taken us several thousands of years to come to terms with this tidbit of truth: People are not property. While we may agree with that statement, we still struggle with this notion as we fight the atrocities of human trafficking. Clearly we do not condone slavery of any kind. We've fought the battle for human equality for centuries. Yet it persists. How? Because we're fallen! We do jacked up things to each other. We're selfish. We're greedy. We're prideful. We sin against each other. We break the terms of our contract. We divorce. God hates divorce not because of divorce itself but because of the path it takes to get there. God hates our mistreatment of one another.

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage because marriage itself is defined by our propensity towards sin. If we were perfect and without sin then marriage would not exist. But we're not. And it does. Now before you damn me and my thoughts to the ever burning inferno of bad ideas, let's sort out the good here.

Marriage is our best attempt to treat each other well in light of our fallen natures. There's nothing salvific about marriage. Your sex isn't any better than anyone else's because of it. Your kids aren't better parented because you have a legal and binding contract. There is nothing about the institution of marriage or any of the ideas surrounding it that can damage the reality of your marriage. Legal contract aside, you are in a relationship with another human being and you are to treat each other well, with respect, with love, with honor, cherishing, treasuring, etc. THAT is what it boils down to. Nobody else's practice of marriage differing from yours can affect your marriage. Because it's not about the institution people! It's about how you treat each other.

Simmer down on the cake baking ridiculousness. Call off the new civil war watchdogs and alarmists. And maybe just try and focus on loving your partner. Because that's the earth shattering change that will make the difference. To make the focus of the debate about the institution instead of the relationship is to turn marriage into an idol. You're not caring about your husband or your wife; you're caring about your perceived status symbol - your picture perfect property with white picket fence and 2.5 kids. The only thing that can wreck your marriage is YOU. I know. I did it. I'm an expert.

Beers, Baths, and Beauty Sleep

I meant to get to my 500 words a lot earlier today, but alas, it did not happen. Life got busy. I'm not really stuck on the 500 words bit. I just have to cultivate a habit here. Between work, basketball games, T-Ball tryouts, updating kids' vaccines, meals (I think there were meals in there - did I forget to eat?) running, and whatever else popped up, there just wasn't enough time in the day. Oh yes, and I also had to outfit Declan for his TBall debut. Glove, cleats, bat, baseball, etc. He wouldn't take the cleats off after we got home so I let him wear them until bedtime. It was cute. Made all the rushing around today worth it.

I read a bit more from Acedia & Me. I was particularly fond of Thomas Aquinas' recommendation to cure the malady - a hot bath, a glass of wine, and a good night's sleep. That, my friends, is a man after my own heart. I'm pretty sure that's the homeopathic cure for all that ails. Leave it to one of the most brilliant philosophical and theological minds of the millennium to come up with something so basic. Of course, if it was that simple I'd have a lot of friends out of a job. Pretty sure there's an entire industry that thrives off unhealthy minds. And let me tell you, that medication is quite a bit pricier than a bottle of wine and few gallons of hot water. Nonetheless, I shall give it a try one of these days when I feel plagued by lethargy or an onslaught of The Noonday Demon. In fact, I'm going to try it right now! Only with a beer instead of wine. I'm out of wine.


I read an article today about atheists being killed off in Bangladesh. I found that heartbreaking. Everyone raises a stink when their own group is persecuted, but for some reason no one seems to care that other human beings are being slaughtered under the very same guise of "we think our belief system is the best." If you think about it, it should be the exact opposite. If we believe our system is ingrained in truth then doesn't it make sense that death of our own is not a thing to fear? I mean really. We're all going to die anyway - at least we believe we're going to a better place, or a better time, or a better dimension, or whatever. The death of others, however, if not part of your belief system, are destined to go somewhere a lot worse. Right? So why are we killing them?!? Knock it off! Well, to be fair, it wasn't Christians doing the hacking. It was Muslims. But knock it off all the same! My best friend is an atheist. I would not take kindly to anyone hacking her up. My best advice to those perturbed by atheists - get to know one. And by that I mean closer than glaring at them down the end of your nose, or chainsaw.

Ok, enough on that rant. I need to get my beer, bath, and beauty sleep going. Thanks Aquinas!

Gravity, Motion, and Perpetuity

"You know what you gotta do when life gets you down? Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming..." ~Dory, Finding Nemo

There's something to be said for efficacy and the perpetuity of motion. Standing still, conceptually, is not an option. Stillness leads to chaos, fragmentation, and disassociation. Think of gravity. Gravity exists because of continual motion. We adhere, orient, and balance in a constant state of motion. The inclination of disorientation is to stop and stand still, but I fail to see a single law of nature that supports this practice. We think of rest as the cessation of motion, but it is more realistically the constancy and normality of motion. So when life gets chaotic, just keep moving. Moving forward, moving on, moving up.

It's been 8 months since I last wrote. That's bad. I've missed it. The more time that passes, the harder it is to find any form of internal motivation. External force is needed to overcome the inertia of inactivity. The resistance would have felt much less awkward had I simply maintained forward motion, regardless of how little. Bad things happen when motion ceases. Fusion dwindles. Matter collapses. Gases combust. Stars explode. Destruction ensues.

Ok, it wasn't all that bad, but it has been ridiculously hard to write as I have not made the discipline a priority. So this is me, applying a little force to get things up and running again. I imagine there's a recommended minimum to how much I should write to be productive.

500 words.

A day.

I'm at 250.

This is lethargically painful. Must get through it. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

Life doesn't really have me down per say, but I like quoting Dory. She makes me smile. I have felt somewhat unproductive lately and I need to kick that or at the very least discern its veracity. Sometimes I beat myself up unnecessarily because I interpret change or unmet expectations as failure. Sometimes true. Sometimes not. Change of motion always elicits resistance. It doesn't make it negative - just different.

I've been reading Kathleen Norris' Acedia & Me. I find it comforting to read the account of another writer's struggle with motivation and hope. I'm only a few chapters in, yet her explanation thus far of the malady invokes fear of the ensuing despair that so frequently accompanies it. Left to simmer too long and acedia can lead to the onset of depression. I'm not fond of that idea. I've been binge watching science shows on Netflix as well. Hence, the cosmic pondering of motion and change.

100 words to go.

I'm making changes. Little ones. I'm sitting here writing. I've changed my workout routine. I've modified the kids' schedules a bit. Made more time, precious little, for reading. But it doesn't have to be big; it just has to be something. The changes are to prevent stalling or burning out. They maintain motion. And motion is good. Motion fuses, coalesces, orients.

Enough of me bleeding on paper. I do have topics I intend to address. Some of them serious. Some of them not. I figure a week or two of icebreaking tidbits and I'll get into the heavy stuff. But for now, this is just me trying to amalgamate.