Putting Lipstick on the Pig

I had someone ask me awhile ago to write a blog on marriage. I have no idea why. I hardly consider myself an authority on the topic. Unless a subject matter expert entails having a history of failure. Oh wait. It does. Excellent. I'm an expert.

Today an engaged friend questioned whether or not she should even get married. She couldn't understand why one would bother. Then she thought she was getting cold feet. I explained to her that she was not getting cold feet and that maybe the reason we so frequently question the appropriateness of the institution is because something inside of us senses there is something innately wrong with it. Now before you think I'm heading in a marriage bashing direction, I assure you, I am not. I merely want to inquire into the nature of what exactly we think marriage is or is not. And of course, you're going to get a piece of my mind, which is never really set in stone; it's just where I happen to be in my thought process at that particular moment.

So let's start with what we know marriage is. Marriage is a covenant between two parties. Correct! Next question: what is a covenant? A covenant is a legal agreement between two or more parties. Nice! So far so good. We're well on our way. Moving on. Historically covenants were typically treaties between parties to protect against war and division. Biblically, covenants were both the treaties between people groups and the added agreements between God and humans. What covenants do we find in the Bible? Adamic, Noahic, Abrahamic, Palestinian, Mosaic, Davidic, and New. Interesting fact about these covenants. They all have one thing in common - sin. They are all a means to survive and live in a fallen and sinful world. Covenants are a means to protect and guard people from being wronged, hurt or abused. They exist because we are fallen. What does this mean for marriage? Marriage exists because we are fallen. It is a legal agreement between parties that serves as a protection from the abuses of each other. It doesn't protect you from anything external to your relationship. It's not some sort of mystical guardrail to all that is wrong about sexuality. As such, the covenant itself is not threatened by anything external to the relationship. The only thing that can threaten your marriage is YOU. That is all you have power over. Nothing else. No one else.

Marriage exists because we sin against each other. We hurt, abuse, neglect, and dominate one another.  In light of this continual sinning against our fellow humans we needed the institution of a covenant. Enter marriage stage right. Exit edenic freedom and the fullness of relationship.

OMG. What just happened?

I deconstructed marriage. You're welcome. Now let's reconstruct. Trust me. It'll be fine. I've been doing this since I was kid - taking apart toys and putting them back together. If it doesn't work then it was a poorly constructed toy to begin with and our toy box will be better off without it. Certainly safer.

Let's look at what we have now. Marriage is a covenant instituted to protect humans from one another because we're a sinful lot and we needed a system set in place to keep us from killing each other. Yeah. Pretty much. Is that a leap? Nope. How do I know? Because it won't exist in eternity. Just like every other covenant instilled throughout biblical history, marriage goes bye bye. Why? Because we won't have sexual relationships anymore? Doubt that's it. The human capacity for sexuality precedes any fallen state as does the divine directive to be fruitful, multiply, and replenish the earth.

OMG! Sex in heaven? What just happened again?! Just kidding. That's not what I said. I'm merely pointing out that, as humans, we have the capacity for reproduction and sexuality. I'm not even going to get into the "like the angels" bit, because scripturally that just supports my point further.

Anyway, moving on. Marriage did not exist as an institution until after the fall and not even in the form of a covenant until the Mosaic covenant. Before that it was just a legal agreement to define the parameters of one's property. If that doesn't reek of fallenness I don't know what does. Property?! It's only taken us several thousands of years to come to terms with this tidbit of truth: People are not property. While we may agree with that statement, we still struggle with this notion as we fight the atrocities of human trafficking. Clearly we do not condone slavery of any kind. We've fought the battle for human equality for centuries. Yet it persists. How? Because we're fallen! We do jacked up things to each other. We're selfish. We're greedy. We're prideful. We sin against each other. We break the terms of our contract. We divorce. God hates divorce not because of divorce itself but because of the path it takes to get there. God hates our mistreatment of one another.

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage because marriage itself is defined by our propensity towards sin. If we were perfect and without sin then marriage would not exist. But we're not. And it does. Now before you damn me and my thoughts to the ever burning inferno of bad ideas, let's sort out the good here.

Marriage is our best attempt to treat each other well in light of our fallen natures. There's nothing salvific about marriage. Your sex isn't any better than anyone else's because of it. Your kids aren't better parented because you have a legal and binding contract. There is nothing about the institution of marriage or any of the ideas surrounding it that can damage the reality of your marriage. Legal contract aside, you are in a relationship with another human being and you are to treat each other well, with respect, with love, with honor, cherishing, treasuring, etc. THAT is what it boils down to. Nobody else's practice of marriage differing from yours can affect your marriage. Because it's not about the institution people! It's about how you treat each other.

Simmer down on the cake baking ridiculousness. Call off the new civil war watchdogs and alarmists. And maybe just try and focus on loving your partner. Because that's the earth shattering change that will make the difference. To make the focus of the debate about the institution instead of the relationship is to turn marriage into an idol. You're not caring about your husband or your wife; you're caring about your perceived status symbol - your picture perfect property with white picket fence and 2.5 kids. The only thing that can wreck your marriage is YOU. I know. I did it. I'm an expert.